It's okay to cry

I keep trying to hold it together and be strong, but the truth is: I'm not. I'm a mess. I have an inbox full of unreturned voicemails. I ignore phone calls because I'm afraid to be weak and let people know how much I've been struggling lately. I've attempted three separate blog entries about my sorrow but erased each one not wanting to share my pain. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I've aged ten years. I cry all the time. I count down the minutes and hours until each day ends. I rarely sleep.

I miss my life and my family. I miss companionship more than anything. I--we--were not made to live alone without community and family. The loneliness of the hospital weighs heavily on my heart this week. The reality is: this sucks. Cancer sucks. The effects of chemo suck. Living in a noisy bright hospital away from your cozy, warm home and your beautiful family sucks. Being lonely sucks. Missing your son grow and learn sucks. Not being able to hug your husband sucks.

So, tonight I cry to relieve my stress and sorrow. And that's okay.